The Guidebook
self-mentoring:
You can learn to manage the pain in your life. You can make better, more clear and healthy choices about school, career and relationships.
You just have to take an honest look at your formative years, and understand how you automatically regress NOW to outdated and unhealthy fight/flight/freeze responses that only make matters worse.
As a child, your brain learns to warn you of danger, and the perceived threat is different for each of us.
If for example, a girl’s needs were ignored by her parents, she may not express her true thoughts and feelings as an adult.
Her brain tells her that it is dangerous to be "needy."
As a grown woman she may go along with what others want in order to avoid feeling abandoned or punished.
Instead of realizing that she is repressing her authentic self…she might feel depressed or anxious, have relationship issues, or even develop an addiction.
These are SYMPTOMS of deeper defenses originating from an overactive fight/flight/freeze response.
Instead of wasting time and money treating symptoms, you can efficiently learn to stop automatically regressing… and face your menacing internal critical voice.
And understanding the basics of this does not have to take forever!
Self Mentoring is a step-by-step, user-friendly, practical process
(with written forms found in the 170-page guidebook) divided into four-parts.
You learn to work on your own to re-wire your psyche by identifying and controlling the negative, "menacing" voice inside of you... and replacing IT with a strong, "mentor" to continually support yourself in a natural, positive way.
About Howard
As a therapist...
“Each person is a unique individual. Hence, psychotherapy should be formulated to meet the uniqueness of the individual’s needs, rather than tailoring the person to fit the Procrustean bed of a hypothetical theory of human behavior.”
Milton H. Erickson, M.D.
I have worked from various proven psychological theories...for over 30 years (more than 30,000 therapy hours...yikes...) including but not limited to those historically known as Psychoanalytical and Objects Relations, to Gestalt, Transactional Analysis, Behavioral, Strategic and Cognitive Theory...plus the most modern concepts from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Sensoriotor, Somatic Experiencing, and Mindfulness-based concepts.
My understanding of how the brain, mind and body interacts comes from various insights taken from theorists such as: Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Carl Rogers, Erik Erikson, Alfred Adler to modern-day scholars including but not limited to Eric Berne, James Masterson, M.D, John N. Briere, Alice Miller, Aphrodite Matsakis, Francine Shapiro, Peter Levine, and Fritz Perls. I consolidate all of these methods and practices in an effort to make the best of what has been proven and accepted by the psychological community.
I have specialized in the treatment of emotional issues in high-functioning adults and couples...many of whom have experienced childhood abuse, neglect and/or molestation.
I have been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, with a Master of Arts Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Science Degree in Communications..
I have been a member of the American Association for Counseling and Development, the Group Psychotherapy Association and the National Honor Society for Psychology, as well as the California and Los Angeles Associations for Marriage & Family Therapists. I have served on the LA Board of Directors of the National Organization for Changing Men.
In addition, I have consulted with a variety of businesses, athletic teams, city governments and organizations researching consumer trends and facilitating team-building, marketing, and strategic planning.
I worked in top management and creative departments of the Advertising Agency business for over 25 years, and "over-lapped" careers during the tail end of my corporate life, while becoming a therapist. And now I am retired from this wonderful part of my life!
About Psychotherapy
Some of my somewhat controversial but strong and unique stands:
On Relationships:
If you can’t have a good relationship, why have one? You need to look at your own part in the conflict. If one person changes, the whole system changes. If you both change, things progress quicker. But I’m not here to keep people together at any cost. Once you understand what you have been doing unconsciously, you can change your behavior and thereby change the relationship. Or find the courage to end it.
On Stress:
If you don’t make time to relax, unwind, and reconnect to yourself and someone else, you will never reduce your stress. You have to manage it, not get rid of it. You have to prioritize. It might cost you.
On Sex:
Everyone can have a great sex life. But you have to plan it. There’s no such thing as a constant, spontaneous, lustful sex life when there is a long-term attached relationship along with work, kids, commitments, and busy lives. Your must manage your sex life.
On Happiness:
Not everything can be fixed. If you develop an ongoing Self Mentoring practice you can manage emotional/mental problems. But it is not the therapy that helps; it is your commitment to yourself. It is your regular practice. Happiness is a way of living, not a final destination.
The idea of a “cure” is a set-up for disappointment. The delusion of some therapists is that they will heal you. You can only heal yourself.
Here are five things that lead to lasting well-being...
1. Feel Your Emotions
All emotions serve a grand purpose in assuring our survival and our quest for a sense of well-being. Don't run from your feelings.
Fear can guide us away from danger...or help us to overcome the past, once we learn how to differentiate what is frightening us now, from what scared us as children.
Sadness can flush out our natural suffering.
Anger can protect us...or signal deeper feelings
And by taking time to focus on emotions such as peace, gratitude, satisfaction, pleasure, inspiration, hope, curiosity, or love guarantee a sense of happiness.
2. Engagement - Get Involved
When we're truly engaged in a situation, task, or project, we experience a state of flow. Time seems to stand still or rush by, we lose our sense of self, and we concentrate intensely on the present. True flow comes from an authentic passion arising from our highest self...not a false addiction to a quick high.
3. Positive Relationships
We are social beings, and good relationships are core to our well-being. People who have meaningful, positive relationships with others are happier than those who do not.
4. Meaning and Purpose
Meaning comes from serving a cause bigger than ourselves. Whether this is a specific spirituality, deity or religion, or a cause that helps, entertains, nurtures others in some way, we all need meaning in our lives to have a sense of well-being. You don't have to save the world, just be nice.
5. Accomplishment/Achievement
It is healthy to strive to better ourselves in some way, whether we're seeking to master a skill, achieve a valuable goal, or win in some competitive event. As long as we don't overdo it and burn ourselves out compulsively.